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Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us