Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus