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too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
The old gods are rising again.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
kids play hide and seek like
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.