this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
💀 😭
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed