this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
You Might Also Like
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Interior design 👌
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course