this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
The Onion called it…again.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.