Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

I occasionally drink every single night.

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card