This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

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WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you


[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again


(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off


[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.


Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.


I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.


Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”


I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.


Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.


Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?