This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
car not found
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”