This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
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oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
The old gods are rising again.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink