Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy