Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

Do not levitate over flowers

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away