Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

Cake!!

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words