Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.