This “band-aid” is bugging me 馃ぃ
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interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack 鈥斅燼nd they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Wanna buy something but can鈥檛 find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I鈥檓 the one following them around the house now.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
just having fun
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don鈥檛 want them anymore.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
To make sure I don鈥檛 cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that鈥檚 all I want to talk about with women now.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 drunk but I鈥檓 having trouble working out if you鈥檙e quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene鈥y day was decent
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme