Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

ㅤ

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Remember folks 😂

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.