This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”