This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
good work, detective
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
(Jupiter –
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?