Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

I disagree with my politics

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety