This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
![]()
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
![]()
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
![]()
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
![]()
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
i spent way too long on this
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?