This bar smells like my childhood.
You Might Also Like
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
The photographer’s assistant
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Investing in beetcoin
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.