This bar smells like my childhood.
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My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.