Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Orange is oranging 🟠

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

My birthstone is a marshmallow

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

going ballistic. anyone need anything?