Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?