This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I love art.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart