This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I think this might be relevant today.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
lost dog
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
can’t talk my ride’s here
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick