I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.