This, being a gentleman thing really works. Women just fall for me when I offer them my handkerchief. Sure it’s dabbed in chloroform…

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Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.


*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*


Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime


Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.


Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.


When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?


Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper


There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.


My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.