This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
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My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough