This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
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Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
This is me
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?