This billboard speaks to me
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Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Meme Monday.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Bobby pin
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?