This billboard speaks to me
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[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.