This billboard speaks to me
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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍