Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
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I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
#SuperBowl
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Single and childfree like Jesus
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!