Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things