This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
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I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*