This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
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[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
good morning
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Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
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The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*