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Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
sure, why not
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?