This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
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Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home