Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater