This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
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Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn鈥檛 afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
ah yes….my favourite videogame
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
basketball鈥檚 all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”馃槀馃槀
You can鈥檛 spell fries without friends. I guess what I鈥檓 saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won鈥檛 stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[1st Row at Beyonc茅 Concert]
Beyonc茅: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] 鈥quirrels?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn鈥檛 lived it down.
It鈥檚 frankly disgusting that it鈥檚 illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it鈥檚 heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let鈥檚 go exercise!
ME: I鈥檓 lost