This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.