This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
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I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.