This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
You Might Also Like
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
#Caturday
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
you can only post this today
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
this has to be peak English
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in