Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out