Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

Best misinterpreted text ever!

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.