This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours