Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal