This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
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The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes