Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in