Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

What personal space?

My dog

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.