this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale