Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.