This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
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11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
new record!
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.