This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Personal question. #JustSaying
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir