Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.