Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes