this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off