this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
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To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
me when i see my girls butt
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.