Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

My life in a nutshell

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.