Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

Why do meteors always land in craters?

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile