This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
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Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water