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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
(2022)
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]