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Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Okay
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[eulogy]
line?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
the simulation is moving too fast
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
