This came to me in a dream.
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“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
technique
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”