This came to me in a dream.
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HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes