this came to me in a vision
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GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Trumpy Cat
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way