this came to me in a vision
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i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker