this came to me in a vision
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[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
my favorite gender
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
oh shit
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night