This can never not be funny 😭😭
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The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?