Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.