Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle