This can never not be funny 😭😭
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Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
me
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.