This can never not be funny 😭😭
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.