This can never not be funny šš
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A little Caesarās pizza joke, eh?
We will always be important enough to fit into someoneās motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows theyāre just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Iām biased: I have four buttocks.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. š Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday itāll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. Theyāre two different letters.
*click
[before surgery]
doctor: weāre going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: Weāre bored.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. āPut your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!ā
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: helloā¦?
ME: you like dogs?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you canāt spell.
These people at the theater are looking at me like theyāve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
New Tinder profile.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldnāt have made them so delicious
Amen
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didnāt list a 50Ā¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and Iām hella pissed.
I child proofed my entire houseā¦
and they still got in
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go onā¦
She said she wanted to eat at āthe most expensive place in townā so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Me at 20: Iām smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
her: *opening valentineās day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: itās the little things that count
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while theyāre talking?
For years Iāve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brotherās wives bras
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.