This can never not be funny 😭😭
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Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.