This can never not be funny 😭😭
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You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift