This can never not be funny 😭😭
You Might Also Like
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.